New State Animal for Illinois

Move over white-tailed deer, Illinois is getting a new state animal... or at least it is in the mind of John Kass.

We taxpayers need a new state animal. Our old state animals are lame. So, as a public service, I am announcing our new Illinois mascot in today's column. It won't cost you a dime.

But first, let's acknowledge that our current official state animals—the whitetail deer, the tiny bluegill, the chirpy cardinal—are victims. These prey animals just wait until they're pounced upon by bloodthirsty carnivores.

Sort of like us taxpayers, getting socked with increases from politicians who make their friends rich, and who, upon retirement, will receive six-figure pensions for the rest of their lives. The rest of us will be so broke, we'll end up drizzling Worcestershire sauce on dog food for dinner.

So what animal could really fit the current state of Illinois politics?

What Illinois needs now is a mascot embodying our political spirit, a special creature that lives in the shadows and sidles up to victims and—before the prey truly comprehend what's happening to them—drains them of every drop of blood.

Such a creature, which should now become our new State of Illinois animal, is none other than:

The chupacabra.

In Spanish, chupacabra means goat-sucker, for its alleged habits of creeping up to goats, chickens, sheep (exactly!) and other barnyard animals, sucking out their blood. Its mythical range is said to extend from South America, into Mexico, even Crete. There have been recent unconfirmed sightings in the southwest U.S.

Sounds like a good match to me. Read the whole column at the Tribune: Chupacabra mascot: Illinois needs a new symbol, John Kass says

Oh Kass, How I Love You

One of my favorite people on Earth has to be Mr. John Kass of the Chicago Tribune. When my Dad was in the hospital for most of December at the same time that then-Governor Blagojevich fell into legal problems, I often brought info and little sayings from Kass to Dad in the hospital to brighten his day.

I'd say that Kass leans conservative, but he is critical of the 'combine' in Illinois. The democrats and republicans who work with each other to take advantage of the rest of us. But the thing I mostly love about Kass is the creative writing that he injects into his columns.

The names he gives politicians:

Gov. Blagojevich: Governor Dead Meat or Governor Nosferatu
Rep. DeLeo: (D-How you Doin?)
Sen. Burris: Roland "Tombstone" Burris (D-Lying Weasel)
Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Tomczak)
Rep. John Fritchey (D-Pastries)
House Speaker Michael Madigan (D-Lisa's Dad)

And terms like: feditis and hopium.

When I see some of his writing that really gets me going I should just post it, so I have it here for all of time. Today he was in form and really made me laugh.

Sen. Roland "Tombstone" Burris (D-Lying Weasel) hatches his lies by the minute; they bubble out of his mouth like insect larvae from the mud.

Once their wings are dry, they launch from our senator's lips and buzz. Yet with all the buzzing, let's consider a few things.

This was the part specifically that had me laughing, even though I'm in a quiet computer lab.

Even Mayor Richard Daley lies better than Burris. Years ago, when confronted by Tribune reporters about how he'd given $100 million in affirmative action contracts to white guys with Outfit connections whom he'd drink with every Christmas Eve, Daley developed his strategy.

He turned purple, the hair on his temples flying up like the wings of dark angels, and he released his terrifying Mayor Chucky persona. This so frightened timid TV political reporters that they wouldn't follow up on Tribune stories.

Burris is trying to do the same, but he can't intimidate the media, not with that ridiculous Please-Don't-Squeeze-the-Charmin mustache on his lip. He played the race card to get seated in the Senate, but the race card doesn't have muscle now that America elected a black president.

Blagojevich

I haven't had a chance to write about Blagojevich on here before. I am obviously no fan of Blagojevich, he isn't just a standard Democrat, he has been very hard on the pro-life community here in Illinois. One of my favorite instances of the Bishops getting involved in current issues was when my Bishop, Thomas Paprocki, called out Blagojevich on legislation which would force pharmacists to dispense contraception even if doing so is against their conscience.

I think my family, like a lot of Illinoisans, has been waiting for the downfall of Blagojevich. There have been allegations of wrongdoing from Blagojevich for so long, it was only a matter of time. That being said, I find myself enjoying the show Blagojevich is putting on for the whole nation.

You'd think that I would be embarrassed by the spectacle that Blago is making Illinois into for the country and the world. But lets face it, I've already been thoroughly embarrassed for my state and the city of Chicago the whole time Obama was running for the Presidency. The thing about Blago is that he is being tossed under the bus by all the rest of the crooks in the state. This should prove the old adage that there is no honor among thieves. They've done everything they can to make old Blago go away, even calling him crazy. No way this guy is crazy, he's just a Chicago politician. The rest of the rats are trying to push him off the ship hoping that by dumping him over the edge they can stave off the sinking of the ship. Blago isn't going away easy though.

Some of the things Blagojevich has been accused of are just completely outrageous, the shakedown of the Children's Hospital I think ranks far above the allegations of selling Obama's senate seat. But I don't much appreciate all his old pals throwing him under the bus calling him crazy and saying they haven't talking to him in years. I don't buy it. My biggest hope, for better or worse, is that old G-Rod sticks around long enough to take down all the rest of them with him.